"Profanity is the inevitable linguistic crutch of the inarticulate motherf**ker."
"Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger." ~Conan O'Brien
"Never wear anything that panics the cat." ~P. J. O'Rourke
"Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle." ~Woody Allen
"Eternity is really long, especially near the end." ~Woody Allen
"Avoid employing unlucky people. Throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin without reading them." ~David Brent
"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." ~Benny Hill