Dumb jokes

-What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?
-Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!
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-What do you call a bear with no teeth?
-A gummy bear
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-What do you call it when two lizards are fighting?
-A reptile dysfunction
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I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger... then it hit me.
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-How come the psycho in the bathroom doesn't make any noise?
-Cause the "p" is silent.
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-What do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors?
-A chicken sedan.
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-Why was six afraid of seven?
-Because seven was a registered six offender.
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A blind man walks into a bar, then he walks into a table, and a chair.
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-What do you call a woman with one leg?
-Eileen
-What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?
-Irene
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-What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
-Tennish.
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-A horse walks into a bar.
-The bartender says "Why the long face?"
-The horse replies "My alcoholism is destroying my family."

Toasts

-To staying positive and testing negative -or in other words; to health and happiness!
-To friends; to those who've seen our worst, those who've seen our best, and especially to those who don't see a difference!
-To beer/champagne, music, and women! May they never be flat!
-To good ships, to wood ships, but mostly to friendships!

Deaf bookkeeper

A mafioso finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million dollars
This bookkeeper is deaf, an occupational benefit since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the mafioso confronts the bookkeeper about his missing money, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The mafioso asks, "Where's the ten million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper, and the bookkeeper signs back. The attorney tells the mafioso, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The mafioso pulls out a 9-mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs, "Don Vito will kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper sighs and signs back, "Okay, you win. The money is in a brown briefcase buried behind the shed in my backyard on Staten Island."
The mafioso asks the attorney, " Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney shakes his head. "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Skiing

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

Short jokes

-Why was the archeologist sad?
-'Cause his career was in ruins.
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Bob gets a text from his neighbor:
"I'm so sorry Bob, but I've been tapping your wife. I've always done it. It's been going on for too long. I feel terrible, I sincerely apologize, and I promise it won't happen again."
Bob feeling shocked and betrayed goes to his wife, slaps her, says it's over, and leaves when he gets another text: "Damn auto-correct! I meant wifi, not wife!"

Goatman

-What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
-Arrested at the petting zoo.

Also...

-What do you get when you cross a goat with an octopus?
-A visit from the Scientific Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

Sleep over

A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends, and he agrees. Later on, he overhears their game of truth or dare in which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was. The daughter replies, "Uhm, 3 days ago." The dad has no idea that his daughter is sexually active so he's all upset and wondering how to handle this situation. Just then he hears two other girls yell out "What!? You were faking last night?!"